« BoozeWeek Article: Hittin’ Some Bitches in Eugene | Home
BoozeWeek Article. Boozing on a Budget. This Episode: Turning Tears into Wine!
By admin | July 29, 2010
This article was originally written for the Summer 2010 issue of BoozeWeek, now available at Olive Juice and stores all over the Eugene area and elsewhere. Reprinted with BoozeWeek’s permission.
Boozing on a Budget
This episode: Turning tears into wine!
By James Warmels, the Urinal Gum creator
Once in a while, I find myself leaving the bar properly buzzed with the same amount of money as when I entered. This latest instance involved a friend seeking assistance in drowning his relationship-dissolution sorrows. Here’s how you too can get loaded without having to touch your wallet. Now, pay attention.
“We were together for FIVE FUCKING YEARS!” He blubbers as he hands Ty Connor a tenner for his and your sixth shots of tequila.
“You’re better without the whore!” You encourage because it is important that you be a good chaser for his sorrow shots: “That bitch was nothing but trouble! Sure, you had a couple good times, but it wasn’t worth it! Besides, you’ve been off the market for ages. Things have changed. Look at these ladies!” This is when you point to the belle of the bar, the most beautiful woman. (IMPORTANT: Make sure it is NOT his now ex-girlfriend!)
“Say, you’re right.” He’ll say. “Let me buy you a drink!” And, so on.
This also works for people who are extremely happy. Who hasn’t been at Tiny’s when some poor fool hit it big on the video lottery and buys everyone a round? Basically, any strong emotions are cause for suckers to loosen up their wallets. You see, essentially, they want you to participate in their strong emotions, and they’re willing to pay for the libations necessary to produce this synthetic empathy.
To keep the alcohol flowing unencumbered, there are a few things to remember:
-Let your emotional buddy know ahead of time that you are flat broke “until my next paycheck.” This is important because it will keep them from asking you to buy a round. Your lack of money will not stop them from buying you round after round: they don’t want to risk losing their drinking partner. You will need to periodically remind him of your financial handicap, since emotional people are too wrapped up in their own thoughts to remember anything.
-Feel free to campaign for good drinks. If he suggests buying a round of PBR, gently let him know that “I don’t drink that shit!” And, you prefer Arrogant Bastard Ale. Or, kindly make him aware that he has moved on to a classier phase in his life: “So, we’ll need the Dom Perignon.”
-Be a good conversationalist. This is important in all situations. If you are a good conversationalist, you will never have to buy a drink. If you’re running out of things to say, simply repeat the things you’ve said that have received the best reactions. Repetition is better than silence.
Now, you are ready. Log on to Facebook and check out your friends’ statuses. Find the ones with the strongest emotions and let them know you are there for them. Include your cellular telephone number. Enjoy as the calls come ringing in. And, remember: Your buddy James Warmels is always there to help you through the good times and the bad.
Topics: Special Report, Stories | Comments Off
Comments are closed.