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A Letter to Pabst Blue Ribbon
By admin | April 17, 2010
July 26, 2004
Pabst Brewing Company
P.O. Box 739
Milwaukee, WI 53201
Dear Pabst Blue Ribbon,
If Budweiser is the King of Beers, than Pabst Blue Ribbon is the Violent, Reclusive Uncle of Beers. Pabst Blue Ribbon, or PBR as we like to call it in the social circle I run with, is my favorite beer. Before I go on, we should take care of legal business so you can keep reading. I am 23 years old and a college graduate. So, I enjoy your company’s product legally and always have. I am really fat.
When enjoying your product (I am not aware of other products made by your company), I have noticed that it gives me terrible gas. I asked this friend of mine, who likes to plant flowers but isn’t gay, if he gets the same reaction and he confirmed it. Sometimes it can be really embarrassing. For example, I was necking with this fine lassie after a whirlwind night of imbibing cans of PBR. After I had spilled my seed, I rolled over and was preparing to pass out efficiently and thoroughly. It took longer than I had hoped to turn in that night, which wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t been for the devil’s rumblings in my tummy. Tectonic plates could never produce the earthquakes begging my external anal sphincter to relax. Unfortunately, I couldn’t just throw the aforementioned fine lassie out in the streets with her hair pie hanging out, so my only hope was to keep the earthquakes down to a dull tremor. Luckily, they were scentless, and a crisis was averted. I really enjoy your product, but I think your folks in R & D should look into producing an anti-gas formula of PBR and maybe PBR Light. I don’t know.
Have you ever seen the movie Blue Velvet? It’s directed by my favorite director, David Lynch. You guys really oughtta check it out. In this movie, Dennis Hopper says, “Heineken? Fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON!” You guys should probably use this scene in a commercial only without the naughty words. Speaking of which, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a PBR commercial. I have seen your product in various movies (Midnight Madness has a scene that takes place in your factory and Brad Pitt drinks PBR in Seven), but never a commercial. Do you just pay the hipsters to make it a symbol of ironic coolness?
Well, I just wanted to let you guys know that I just love the heck outta your beer. Keep up the good work. I am willing to help you guys out with suggestions since I am killing some time before going to grad school. I like to get drunk (and not drive) and write (I am not drunk right now). These are just a few of the flakes off of my bottomless pit of ideas. I will look forward to your reply. Until then, I remain,
Appallingly yours,
Psome Pseudonym
I did not receive a response. But, they now produce PBR Light, and I can only assume it has Bean-O in it.
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