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The China Report: Little Trouble in Big China (Part 1)
By admin | March 14, 2010
Since last we received a report from our China Correspondent, Chuck Norris, our Click-An-Ad campaign has ceased to provide enough money to support him, so he was forced into the white slave trade, known as “teaching English,” in China. Let’s take a peak to see how he’s doing.
The first thing our educated readers must understand about criminal justice in China is that the law is situationally subjective. This means that each infraction is judged individually, and the party that is deemed to have acted in the most retarded manner is deemed criminally responsible (as opposed to the US system, where the person with the least money/power is guilty).
Anyway, I was out at a Chinese discotheque (this is apparently a very stylish word everywhere else in the world) with a group of fellow English teachers, one of whose birthday we were celebrating. Within our group there was a certain Canadian girl, hereafter referred to as Mary (her name has not been changed, as she is not innocent), who was playing drinking games with a group of lecherous Chinese gentlemen.
The Chinese are habitual binge drinkers, and nearly every social celebration is culminated by an evening of gross alcoholic excess. The Chinese are very fond of a drink called Baijiu, or Chinese rice wine. This concoction has the smell of turpentine, the stupefying powers of vodka, and the digestive effect of Drain-O, but it actually goes down quite smoothly.
Young Mary was unfamiliar with these aforementioned properties and had drunk herself into unconsciousness, whereupon she was immediately set upon by the group of Chinese gentlemen who commenced group molestation. Being a gentleman myself, I could not watch this happen, so I went over to the said group and politely asked to extract my inebriated friend from this compromised position. They took immediate offense to this suggestion. After all, they had spent a lot of Yuan (Chinese monopoly money) in rendering her in such a state and thus felt entitled to a little friendly raping.
I’m afraid at this point I became much more insistent on my extraction; and as my Chinese is very limited, the situation quickly degenerated to the point where I had to Kung Fu down a few of these rather diminutive Chinese guys (as this is not a trashy action publication I will spare you the Kung Fu details; but as an interesting note, the aerodynamic properties of a tiny Chinese man are such that they fly much farther than expected when thrown over a railing).
The argument thus settled, I continued with my evening of merriment assuming the situation to be resolved. However, the next morning I received a phone call from my boss informing me that I had to report to the police station. Apparently, I am the only six-and-a-half-feet-tall white guy in the region and thus easy to track down.
Upon my arrival at the aforementioned police station I was immediately placed in medieval looking iron handcuffs and ferried into a tiny windowless room that smelled remarkably of Chinese toilets (I would generally use an olfactory metaphor more familiar to the reader, but as is my experience, the smell of a Chinese toilet is wholly unique you will have to use imagination). I was chained to a rickety wooden chair and berated in a dialect with which I am unfamiliar (I’m not sure if it was the local Cantonese or rather just angry Mandarin, but I don’t speak either). Disgusted at my lack of comprehension to their verbal barrage they left to summon an English speaking interrogator…CONTINUED HERE.
Keep tuning in to urinalgum.com for the exciting conclusion to Chuck Norris’s gripping Chinese tribulations.
Topics: Foreign Correspondent | 1 Comment »
April 10th, 2010 at 10:42 pm
[...] The China Report: Little Trouble in Big China (Part 1) [...]