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Special Report from Our Correspondent in China

By admin | March 11, 2010

Due to the overwhelming success of our “Click-an-Ad” campaign, we have accumulated enough money to send a writer to China to report on the conditions of this burgeoning superpower. To protect his identity (for reasons you will see in future articles) and because he looks a lot like him, we will refer to the correspondent as “Chuck Norris.” He prefers all comments be submitted in the form of harsh destructive criticism.

ZHONGSHAN – Imagine a place where every other driver is an Asian woman. Traffic is basically an elaborate game of chicken with pedestrians playing real-life Frogger, and the lanes are more like guidelines.

They don’t legislate common sense here: each individual is free to be as absolutely retarded as they like and assumes personal responsibility for their inequity. If a few babies fall off of motorcycles, it’s no big deal. If you want to weld on the sidewalk with no mask while smoking a cigarette, go right ahead. Every car has a seat covering that makes using a seatbelt impossible.

Almost every man is a chain smoker, and binge drinking on a Tuesday afternoon is perfectly acceptable. It’s considered quite rude to refuse the cigarettes that every person offers after a handshake.

It’s all a numbers game. In a country of 1.4 billion people, the one-child policy isn’t enough to curtail over-population. The lucky few who get to exit the womb alive are then encouraged to kill themselves by both acute and chronic self-destruction.

This is especially the case for men. The preference for male children combined with the one-child policy has resulted in a situation in which there are 40 million more single men than single women. So while women are encouraged to treat their body like a temple, the guys treat theirs like a landfill.

The flip side of this is that nearly everyone is a hypochondriac. Before every meal, boiling water is passed around to sterilize the dishes and utensils. About half the people walk around wearing surgical masks. They have an intense fear of biological exposure, but nearly no conception of chemical or environmental hazards. People routinely fish out of the putrid rivers that ferry raw sewage out to the bay of Hong Kong which is packed with swimming children.

Despite all of this, everyone seems to be quite robust. Less than one in a hundred people are even chubby, and all the obese people are invariably foreigners. It’s not at all uncommon to see senior citizens riding bicycles loaded with cargo up steep inclines without breaking a sweat. It brings into question the whole western notion of what it takes to be healthy. Maybe the elixir of life really does lie in Panda spleens, tiger tongues, and leopard kitten scruffs.