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The Onion Unpeeled: Jesus Christ Was NOT Considered for the Notre Dame Job
By admin | December 13, 2009
This is the one in a series of many articles in which we seek to unravel the tapestry of lies woven by The Onion’s thread and loomed from deceitful wool. We will not rest until we’ve sautéed and caramelized The Onion and served it with mushrooms of misinformation on tenderloin of evil to be devoured by justice and her slutty friend the truth! We talk to the experts to get to the bottom of The Onion’s stir fry of potatoes, lies, and food metaphors!
Published on December 5, 2009, The Onion claimed: “Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame” This article claims that Christ refused a contract worth $5.6 million for the coveted Notre Dame football head coaching job because He already has a contract with Middle Tennessee State as defensive coordinator through 2015.
At first, I found this story somewhat believable. I thought, for once, The Onion actually did its research and presented us with facts. Notre Dame is a Catholic school and therefore loves Jesus. And, Jesus is great at everything. One can only assume that He would be a stellar football coach rivaling such men as Joe Paterno or Wayne Fontes. But, I figured I should check the facts.
First of all, according to renowned atheist Richard Dawkins, it is up for debate whether Jesus Christ is even still on Earth. Aside from a few cameos on toast, no one has really seen much of Him since BC became AD. To get to the bottom of this, I contacted the Middle Tennessee State athletic department:
Urinal Gum: “Hi, can I please speak with Coach Christ?”
Middle Tennessee State: “Who?”
UG: “Coach Christ.”
MTS: “We have a few coaches named Chris.”
UG: “CHRIST! FOR CHRISSAKE! CHRIST!”
MTS: “…”
A visit to the MTSU website (http://www.goblueraiders.com/staffdirectory.cfm) revealed that Jesus Christ is not the defensive coordinator. In fact, he’s not listed as a coach of any sort. No, their defensive coordinator is Manny Diaz, which sounds nothing like any of the many names used for Jesus Christ or His Father, Yahweh.
When I talked to Notre Dame, they told me that Jesus Christ was never even considered for the job. They cited His many other more important jobs, such as answering prayers for last-second touchdowns, as the reason for their snub. Instead, they are interviewing former Grand Valley State University coach Brian Kelly for the position.
Sorry The Onion, it looks like your shoddy reporting has made you the laughing stock of urinalgum.com yet again. Perhaps, you should stop checking the sports headlines on your iPhone while in church, and you’ll stop confusing the two.
Once again, The Onion is unpeeled!
UPDATE: Notre Dame contacted Urinal Gum on Friday to let us know that Brian Kelly accepted the head coaching job. Suck it, The Onion!
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